HEARSES, HOAs & FRIENDLY REMINDERS

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had it, up to the ears and over, with my HOA.

These, for the most part, are comprised of people who have little power, respect and control in their own lives; so when they are elected or appointed as officers in a Home Owners’ Association, they will, within seconds, morph into the Luftwaffe.

I received this missive from the HOA where I live:                          

A FRIENDLY REMINDER

Dear HOMEOWNER, 

This is just a friendly reminder that overnight on-street parking is strictly prohibited.  On the night of February 14, 2015, there was a beige hearse with the license plate: URDED parked in front of your house from 1:00 AM until 5:00 AM.

If this practice does not cease, there will be fines imposed. This is not the first time this has happened at your address, and we have been forced to send you a friendly reminder.  The next reminder will be substantially less friendly, if you take our meaning.

Sincerely,

Your HOA

I, of course, felt moved to respond:

Dear HOA,

I was feeling very depressed and out of sorts until I received your latest missive; but when I did, lo, the clouds parted and the cherubim sang a single, crystal clear note wrapped in such beauty that tears sprang to my eyes.

I realize that street parking is illegal, but I do not know who the offending vehicle belonged to, as we own a Chevy pickup truck.  If we, indeed, owned a beige hearse, trust me, the license plate would not be misspelled.  Also, I don’t know what you get up to between the hours of 1:00 AM and 5:00 AM, but people who are not hooligans or miscreants are usually tucked up in bed during that time, undoubtedly dreaming of a world without ‘Friendly Reminders’ or without Homeowners Associations entirely.

I also should inform you, since you’ve followed one bad assumption with another, that we are renters at this house.  The slumlord owner lives, I think, in Brazil, with the last name of Mengele, whom, hereinafter, I shall refer to as ‘J.M.’  Our last name is not Mengele.  But you might know all this if you simply consulted your files.  And don’t tell me you don’t have files.  People such as yourselves always have files.

And while you’re at it, you may want to contact J.M.’s property managers, who are, if I recall correctly, a firm called, ‘Adolph’s Bunkers,” with the amusing tag line:  ‘It’s All in the Family.’  The reason I urge you to contact them is to circumvent any further ‘Friendly Reminders’ regarding the fact that this dump hasn’t been painted since Christ left Chicago.  Oh, and the landscape company J.M. hired to deal with the shrubs and trees obviously is under the impression that chopping them all down and cutting the stumps off at ground level is the logical objective in the discharge of their duties.  As a result of the extermination and removal of any plant life whatsoever, the land surrounding the house did not fare well in the last storm we had.  Since there was nothing left to hold the ground in place, it is gone.  I think, though, if you grab a couple of shovels and a dump truck, you can reclaim it on 65^th, 66^th, and 67^th Avenues.

You may also wish to inform ‘Adolph’s Bunkers’ that, since the trees are all gone, the windows on the west-facing portion of the house have melted.  I do not expect to get a reminder about this.

And while we’re on the subject, let me address your previous ‘Friendly Reminders’ regarding the paint job on our truck.  When you took the trouble to threaten us, in the nicest possible way, about getting it painted, we acquiesced.  The Arizona sun will, indeed, take paint off vehicles; but I felt that your comment that “the peeling paint is hanging so far off the truck that it looks like a bridal train” was uncalled for.  But once we had it repainted, we received yet another ‘Friendly Reminder.’  I would seem that homeowners/renters at your mercy can’t do anything to please you people. And while it is true that we had it repainted Pepto-Bismol pink with a mural of the current HOA officeholders undergoing various forms of torture, I would still say that your initial mission was accomplished.  We did repaint the vehicle.

And I don’t see you doing anything at all about the populace owning barking dogs.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I am a dog lover myself, but when I am surrounded by pet owners who put their animals outside all day long, one will start up, then the entire neighborhood gets going from seven in the morning until dusk, when the owners finally get home and their dogs eat them.  And let me tell you, I am tired of being eyed like a tenderloin by these new free-running packs of man-eating canines.

So unless you quit it with the ‘Friendly Reminders’ and deal with what really needs to be dealt with, I intend to spend my entire savings account on choice cuts of meat that I will pile up in front of each of your doors.

Try to leave the house to mail your ‘Friendly Reminders’ then!

 Love and Kisses,

The Renters at House # 25078