Please, whatever you do, don’t ever microwave popcorn that isn’t in
pre-measured bags. Let me explain. . .
There was a great movie
on last night (“Desk Set,” a favorite of mine) that absolutely required
popcorn, but I discovered that, aside from the 80 tins of Fancy Feast Salmon
now occupying my cupboard (God help me if I run out!), the larder was bare of
this film-viewing essential.
Driven by a mindless
popcorn frenzy, I figured I could take loose popcorn, put a little oil in it,
and pop it in a big bowl in the microwave.
In case you didn’t know .
. . you can’t.
Well, let me amend
that. You can, but there are
consequences.
I poured four cups of
popcorn into the bowl (I know, I know), and added a little oil. How long to pop it, though? I decided that 10 minutes would be enough
time.
And sure enough, after
about eight minutes, it began to pop.
After nine minutes, the
microwave exploded.
After nine and a half
minutes, my kitchen was awash in popcorn.
After 10 minutes, the
popping finally stopped, and I surveyed my kingdom. There was two feet of popcorn on the floor,
so, quick thinker that I am, I asked myself, “What is the fastest way to get
rid of all this popcorn?” The answer hit
me like the ball peen hammer I deserved to be hit with.
I called up the local
pigeon breeder.
In 15 minutes, there was
a knock at the door. When I opened it, a
flock of pigeons rivaling anything Alfred Hitchcock could imagine in his
blackest mood filled my house.
Five minutes later, the
popcorn was gone and the pigeons were gone, but there was pigeon poop covering
everything like a fresh coat of paint . . .
varnished paint!
In order to clean up the
pigeon poop, I called a maid service that advertised steam cleaning.
After they arrived and
finished laughing themselves sick, I called a carpet cleaning service. They got the bird poop out of the carpet, but
couldn’t do a thing for the walls and the furniture. They suggested I either bring in statuary and
forget it, or get some scavenger insects to get rid of the rest of it.
So I bought 2,000
crickets. And, you know, it worked! The bird poop was gone, but the crickets bred
in the carpet, and soon my home was filled with 200,000 crickets. The noise was positively deafening!
Then somebody suggested
that I bring in frogs to eat the crickets.
So I bought 600 frogs and turned them loose. They got rid of the crickets, all right, but
then I had 600 fat croaking frogs hopping all over the place. And you can’t truly say you’ve had a bizarre
experience until you’ve sat down on a toilet and had it croak up at you!
The same person, on
hearing of my dilemma, suggested that I get garter snakes to get rid of the
frogs. Why I continued to listen to this
lunatic, I’ll never understand, but I bought 75 large garter snakes, and the
frogs were history.
But have you ever smelled
garter snake poop?
I have a new address
now. I’m living in Antarctica where
there are no animals and no popcorn!
No comments:
Post a Comment